Love Letters For A Lady – Extended Epilogue

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John had attended more than four balls and nearly twice as many garden parties over the period of the year since his marriage to Hetty and he could not say he had much enjoyed many of them. To begin with, their very unusual circumstances, having a lady of nobility marry a man of lower class, had garnered rather a lot of attention and whilst most of the people at these gatherings had been rather pleasant and accepting, John had not been ignorant to a few sneers in his direction.

Whilst he had been reticent to attend, for in his quiet disposition, he did not relish the idea of such crowds or constant inquiries into their life, Hetty had gently encouraged him and used the element of persuasion by explaining how these societal necessities were not only now part of his life, but how they could use them to forward the progress of the new library they were planning.

Whilst she had been very understanding of his position and feelings, John knew that she could not possibly truly comprehend how difficult the transition was for him. This had been her life since she was born and whilst she had not ever felt like she was one of them, particularly in the way they looked down upon others, she indeed, was still part of their group and had spent her life surrounded by such.

It had been even more difficult on the occasions that they were announced on arrival, for he could sense all looking at him when the master of ceremonies called out across the room, ‘Mr John Greenly Lockton and Lady Lockton.’ Though ordinarily, he had encouraged people to simply call him Mr Lockton, in such circumstances as these, his full title was announced. Lord Lockton had arranged it, for John had no knowledge at all about how these things worked, yet, for Hetty to retain her title, Lord Lockton had made inquiries and provisions with the necessary people in London and John had taken on her name as well as kept his own. 

Yet, with such a public announcement of the newly-wed couple, it only brought more attention to their situation and it was hard to miss the sudden whispers amongst the other attendees. John could not say that he did not struggle to maintain his countenance when such things occurred, for he felt wholly uncomfortable under their scrutiny.

As the year had gone on, the gossip had died down somewhat, and John had taken great solace in his friend Mr Tate, who knew well of the ways of the higher society, for even though he was not of nobility, his importance due to his writing and expertise in his subjects meant he mingled amongst them often.

It was on a visit with him at his home, that John divulged his feelings, for whilst he loved Hetty with every fibre of his being, he was well aware that she simply did not understand his perspective.

‘I do not mean to sound ungrateful, you understand, Mr Tate, yet, adjusting to this new life has proven more difficult than I could have imagined.’

‘I know you are not ungrateful, Mr Lockton, for I know you well enough to understand your meaning. Yet, it is only to be expected. You are not only from a humble background but are, within yourself, a humble character.’

‘But it has been a year already, surely by now, I ought to be used to being waited on hand and foot and having everything provided for me.’

‘Well, a year in this new life, compared to twenty more or so years in the previous life that you were accustomed to, is hardly any comparison at all, is it Mr Lockton? I do understand your plight, but had this not occurred to you beforehand?’ The older man frowned at him as they sat in his garden drinking lemonade.

‘It had, Mr Tate, but only fleetingly. It was, of course, more prominent at the very beginning, when I only arrived in Wheatley and stayed at the manor as a guest, for I could hardly believe the food that they ate just for breakfast. There were meats on the platter that I had experienced perhaps, only once in my life. Then, when I took lodgings with Mr Appleby, it was not so present in my mind, for I felt, once I settled in that small room, that I was where I belonged and felt comfort.’

‘Yet, what about before the wedding, Mr Lockton? Or, even as the wedding preparations were being made?’

‘I must be honest, Mr Tate, there was so many other things occupying my mind, that I did not really have time to think about it. I was teaching classes and running the library, we had volunteers to be trained, it was all very busy.’ John paused, for he suddenly did recall a time when he had thought of the difference between he and Hetty.

‘Though, I do now recall, once Lord Lockton discovered our affection, that I left the library to let he and Hetty talk, and I did think about it then as I walked. Just a fleeting notion of the difference between us and how she may react to the situation more differently than I. Still, I did not give it the amount of thought, I perhaps, ought to have.’

‘Your issue, Mr Lockton, is in your worthiness of your position. Yes, of course you are going to feel uncomfortable at the beginning in your new surroundings, yet, I sense there is a resistance within yourself that is truly not allowing you to accept that you deserve the position you are now in.’

‘Perhaps, because I feel that I do not deserve it, Mr Tate,’ John replied simply.

‘On what grounds do you come to such a conclusion? Who is to say what we deserve and what we do not?’

‘It is all a case of luck, I suppose, at the end of the day, Mr Tate. One cannot decide the family or heritage they are born into before they get here, and whilst a person born into a noble family receives all that they need, those who are not, have to fight for it.’

‘Poppycock!’ Mr Tate retorted.

John glared at him in a rather stunned fashion, for he felt his argument was quite a solid and comprehensive one, yet, by Mr Tate’s heavy frown and declared reply, it was clearly evident that he did not agree.

‘The family you are born into has absolutely no bearing on your worthiness, Mr Lockton, for I can count on both hands, Lords and nobles I have acquaintances with, who frankly, would not match anywhere close to the character of the man that you are. You ought to know, that the quality of the clothes on your back or the shoes on your feet, does not define you as a person.’

John had to think about Mr Tate’s words and as he allowed the meaning to sink into his mind, he could hardly disagree. He too, was well aware of men with far better character that held no title or did not own estates, but worked hard to provide for their family or gave what little they could in assisting others who had even less than they.

‘I must admit, I cannot argue with you on that point, Mr Tate, and perhaps, my own misconception is part of my issue. Yet, I still struggle to accept that whilst my mother and sister are working hard, I am here, with all the necessities and more.’

‘Yet, your mother and your sister are no less worthy than you, Mr Lockton and I know well, that you also send them monies and provide for them, though I know that is not the point you are making. There must, at some point, be a change in your perspective for things to get any easier for you. You cannot do anything to change the outer circumstances and so, it reduces to the fact,’ Mr Tate tapped the side of his head, ‘that it is in here, that things must change.’

‘Yet, how do I do that, Mr Tate, for I have no idea where to even begin?’

‘Perhaps, and I cannot really speak from experience, only observation, it is time you looked at what you do have with gratitude, rather than derision. For only in gratitude, will your perspective change and perhaps, in time, you will learn to realise that you are worthy of the station that you have now currently found yourself in.’

Several weeks later, as John was sat in the drawing room of the manor, his concentration held by the business plan of the new library that he and Hetty were funding in the next town over from Wheatley, he suddenly felt hands on his shoulders. He had not heard Hetty enter for he had been so distracted with the papers in front of him, but as her hands massaged his muscles, she bent from behind him and kissed him gently on the head.

Reaching up, he took each of her wrists in his hands and rubbed her forearms, lifting his head back slightly so he could see her face. She was smiling down at him with a gentle expression, before moving around the chair and, lifting the papers from his lap and dropping them to the floor, planted herself firmly on his knee.

‘How are you my darling husband, for of late, you seem to be somewhere else in your mind?’

Hetty wrapped her arms around his neck and continued gazing at him with the same tender expression, cocking her head slightly to the side as she searched his face for a hint of what he might be feeling. She, of course, had not been wrong, for since his conversation with Mr Tate, he had been in quite a quandary.

The older and much wiser gentleman had left him confused with his advice and though he had attempted to assist John with his problem, John had not quite understood how he was to go about, purely changing his perspective. It was not as though he could simply flick a switch and all would be different, and yet, perhaps, that is what John had hoped would happen, though he had, in the interim, attempted to be more grateful for all that he currently had.

‘I am sorry if I have been distant, Hetty. I have just had a lot on my mind.’

‘You are still struggling with the adjustment,’ she said plainly.

John smiled up at her, for she had always been a rather perceptive character, and whilst he had mentioned it to her, he had not gone on about it so much that it may be obvious. Yet, to Hetty, it indeed seemed to be.

‘You know I cannot lie to you, for besides the fact that I am not very good at it, I do not wish to, and yet, I do not want to be bothering you with my problems. I must try and figure out how to do this on my own.’

‘No, John, you do not. I am your wife and I adore you and we are now one unit. Your issues are my issues and I will do my upmost to help you work through this.’

‘Yet, that is hardly fair to you, Hetty.’

‘It is marriage, John and it is what people do when they love one another. I do not like to see you so tense and at a loss of where you belong. Perhaps, some time away may help.’

‘The problem will still be here when we return,’ John shrugged.

‘Perhaps, but that does not mean a trip to London would not do you good. In fact, I think a change of scenery would help you.’

‘Why London?’

‘Well, Lady Delamont is having a fundraising ball there and we have all been invited.’

John rolled his eyes.

‘Come now, John. After everything she has done for us, we can hardly refuse her. Besides,’ she smiled broadly, ‘I think papa, would like to see her again.’

The regular correspondence between Lady Delamont and Lord Lockton had not gone unnoticed by either Hetty or himself, and whilst at first, Hetty struggled with it, on seeing her father happier within himself, his wife had slowly come around to the fact that he deserved to live a fuller life. Her mother had been gone now for over two years and whilst Lord Lockton had stated that he would not desire another wife, he had not yet made the acquaintance of Lady Delamont when he had stated it.

Being of the beautiful and charming disposition that she was, it had hardly been a surprise to Hetty and John, that Lord Lockton had been attracted to her, for apart from the fact that they had loss in common, her being widowed so very young, they appeared to enjoy much conversation and clearly felt something deeper than only friendship. Though Lord Lockton had been discreet in his feelings, John knew, for Hetty’s sake, she had slowly come around to the idea of her father moving on with his life in the knowledge, that no matter what, he would never forget her darling mother.

Two weeks later, John, Hetty and her father attended Lady Delamont’s function and it was John who noticed a distinct difference in the atmosphere. Whereas the balls and garden parties he had attended previously had been more local to where they lived in Wheatley, here in London, no one much seemed to care of his and Hetty’s marriage. There were no whispered gossipers nor any sneering in his direction, and in fact, he was congratulated several times on the accomplishment of the library in Wheatley and on his marriage to Hetty. It seemed, the people in London had a more forward thinking idea of what was acceptable, and John could not help but feel somewhat more relaxed as they were introduced to those in attendance.

Perhaps, it was also the reason that they were in attendance, for all who had been invited, where also friends or acquaintances of Lady Delamont and knew well of her philanthropic work. They were not nobles of higher society who shirked any responsibility to those less fortunate than themselves, in fact, they were all quite the opposite, and in a bizarre, yet crystal clear thought, John, right there in the ballroom had an epiphany.

All this time, he had been thinking of how he had not been worthy to be treated as though he were a noble as he had not been born into that heritage, and his struggle had been that others, just like himself, still continued to toil, whilst he himself did not. And yet, as he looked around the room at the great crowd of people willing to donate their time and their wealth to that very endeavour, it all became suddenly clear.

For as long as he could remember, he had wanted to help people to further their education and to add value to their lives with that knowledge. Before, he had struggled to bring that to fruition, for as a lowly librarian, his ideals were not even acknowledged never mind, brought to fruition. Yet, he was now in a position where all those things that he had wanted to do, could be accomplished. With his wealth and his status, he could not only help others in a lesser position than himself, but encourage other nobles to join him and Hetty in their cause.

How had he not realised this before? He had been so busy concentrating on what he felt he did not deserve, he had missed the opportunity that was right there before him. In that moment, Hetty was suddenly by his side, and his expression evidently caused her some concern.

‘John, whatever is the matter?’ 

‘We can really help people, Hetty. Look at all these nobles, willing to give of themselves. We can do so much good with what we have.’

Hetty smiled warmly up at him and gripped his arm tightly.

‘Yes, John, we can. I think you may have missed the part, that we already have, for that is what the library was all about. But, you understand it now, for I can see it in your eyes.’

‘I was too busy worrying about my own unworthiness to really comprehend what was possible.’

‘You have never been unworthy, John. In your statement lies the irony, for an unworthy man would never consider the plight or discomfort of others,’ she smiled, tenderly. ‘I could see it in you, the very first moment you stepped into the manor and you have only proven me true ever since. We are going to do wonderful things together, my darling and now that you realise that nothing is unattainable, and with our position, there are no boundaries, we will be able to give of ourselves to the benefit of others.’

John gazed down at his wife and smiled warmly, for he did indeed love her with all of his heart. 

‘Now I know why we were brought together, Hetty, for in your strength and your kindness you have shown me what is truly possible, and there is no other I would want by my side as we do it.’

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